Tic Tok




I didn’t do anything,
I just sat there, 
keeping silent,
eyes closed,
heart beating,
mind wandering,
long breathing,
in and out,
just breathing,
just waiting,
for nothing.

I just didn’t do anything.
I just sat there, 
holding down the tears,
listening to tic tok,
tic tok
just listening,
just waiting,
for nothing.

when i opened my eyes,
tears rolled down,
mind went numb,
heart stopped,
no more tic tok
i had lost it
i realised
I whispered to myself
i had lost it
took long deep breath
and just sat there.
just waiting 
for nothing.

- bexdeep

Image taken at Allahabad

Graduation - A recurring dream.



I didn’t go to my graduation - I couldn’t make it. There was no cap swinging or photo taking celebration with certificates and friends. Like many other moments of life, it simply skipped without a knock on the door or any hello and goodbyes.

May be thats why, even after so many years I still dream of graduating. Its one of those recurring dreams where you are still at your final year of college. The dream typically starts with the confusion of not knowing the exact date of your examination and you are frantically calling you friends to confirm the date.

I always find myself in my old room, surrounded by notes and books. Nervous and Confused. Within the dream, sometime I keep questioning “Am I back in home? How and Why?” Then as the time passes by in the dream, the day of examination comes closer and things gets hazy. I try calling friends, no one is there receiving my calls.

There are multiple routes in the dream. In one, I make to the examination hall and end up realising I studied the wrong subject and stare blank at the question paper - knowing that I am not going to pass this exam. The other one is more confusing, I end up reaching college after the exam is over and seeing all my friends discussing the question paper. Both way, the result is always the same - I am not graduating.

This tense feeling and realisation of being left out, goes beyond explanation. But some how, every time my conscious self fights back to bring me back to the reality. And when I finally realise that its a dream, I am sucked out of it.

I end up waking up in shock and look around to see if its real. And I try to ensure to my self - have I already graduated?

Lost in thoughts

There I stood
Lost in thoughts
Consumed by life

Waiting
Not be to forgiven
But to be understood

Looking
Not for the answers
But the right questions

Hoping 
Not for the miracles
But an honest direction

There I stood
Lost and consumed
Hopeful and Secure

Thinking
Not about the future
Nor about the past

There I stood
Lost in thoughts
Consumed by life

- bexdeep