bexdeep's personal blog

Everyday, after college I would walk home with my friends. Wandering around and talking about future. What will we do? How will we be? How much will we change? Ideas! Ambitions! Life!!! Everything always tumbled down to a cup of tea at a near by shop, where we were regular visitors. A sip of tea and bunch of thought provoking questions and contradictions. All intelligent and weird minds searching for the answer to a common question - the meaning of life. Trying to find that right path towards salvation. Complete Consciousness!! Now and then we would simply get lost within ourselves, in the midst of the crowd. Thoughts wandering far beyond the time frame. Everyone building their life on their own dimensions. Confident. Lost. But hopeful. Like some lost sailors on a boat, every one of us would be looking at different directions hoping to see some signs of calling. But then we wouldn't find any. "What are we searching for ?", would be one damning question in every

I didn’t do anything, I just sat there,  keeping silent, eyes closed, heart beating, mind wandering, long breathing, in and out, just breathing, just waiting, for nothing. I just didn’t do anything. I just sat there,  holding down the tears, listening to tic tok, tic tok just listening, just waiting, for nothing. when i opened my eyes, tears rolled down, mind went numb, heart stopped, no more tic tok i had lost it i realised I whispered to myself i had lost it took long deep breath and just sat there. just waiting  for nothing. - bexdeep Image taken at Allahabad

I didn’t go to my graduation - I couldn’t make it. There was no cap swinging or photo taking celebration with certificates and friends. Like many other moments of life, it simply skipped without a knock on the door or any hello and goodbyes. May be thats why, even after so many years I still dream of graduating. Its one of those recurring dreams where you are still at your final year of college. The dream typically starts with the confusion of not knowing the exact date of your examination and you are frantically calling you friends to confirm the date. I always find myself in my old room, surrounded by notes and books. Nervous and Confused. Within the dream, sometime I keep questioning “Am I back in home? How and Why?” Then as the time passes by in the dream, the day of examination comes closer and things gets hazy. I try calling friends, no one is there receiving my calls. There are multiple routes in the dream. In one, I make to the examination hall and end up realising I

There I stood Lost in thoughts Consumed by life Waiting Not be to forgiven But to be understood Looking Not for the answers But the right questions Hoping  Not for the miracles But an honest direction There I stood Lost and consumed Hopeful and Secure Thinking Not about the future Nor about the past There I stood Lost in thoughts Consumed by life - bexdeep

Dark dungeon He walked into it Without a sword But a dimly lit candle A drop of water Echoed from the darkness Pericing  his heart A sound of fear Clutching his fist He walked in silence Eyes wide open Ears all sharp A tiny whirlpool of wind Underneath from ground Tickled its way up he stood  petrified  Motionless and super conscious His bone crackled Twitching his eyes But he didn't step back With candles half burnt Not a soul encountered Up he looked Curious and undeterred A whiff of fresh air He could breathe Hinting him to The new direction  As the candle lit off He stumbled down To notice a beam of  Light far away  With a smile He walked into it With nothing But a passion - bexdeep

There he walked soul less all alone lost within the unreachable memories from his past He paused and closed his eyes lost within the sounds As his heart quenched with pain tears rolled down This is where he remembered had killed her -bexdeep

I am not a movie buff. Which means I don't watch any and every movies out there - not to mention even the best one. Unless I am killing time with friends. In which case anything works. Nevertheless, I do have passion for watching movies from directors that I admire. To me they are like a class where I get to learn or unlearn things about story telling from the masters. As a result, my movie watching procedure usually starts with the identification of a director or an actor - mostly directors. I take lot of inspiration from storytelling art in my work and what ever I do. One of the most important thing about my admiration for directors is their unique taste and vision for storytelling. It is not just the matter of a story or characters, but the way they decide to introduce them to us. As a director, it is their job to make decision on how the story should be narrated to the audience. They bring their passion and taste to it, making it a wonderful experience. And more import

What nags you in the middle of the night? A nightmare or an idea. While growing up, I used to be awaken by nightmares and it still does. Few years back while I was visiting my home, I had to sleep in this old room. It is located on the ground floor and has a dark passage towards it. The switch to the lights are on the other side of the floor. My room use to be on the top floor, now there isn’t any. I never liked the room, as growing up. It was always dark and cold. I still remember when I was a kid it use to be my parent's room. My dad would bring projector from office and show slides on the wall. Photos from his recent Europe visits and that of his friends. I particularly remember one photo of a lady in her mid 30s wearing a red dress, she had very red lips. May be it was then when it all started - the nightmares. Soon, my dad was transferred to eastern part of the country and we all had to move along with him. The house was left empty for years and all the belongings

Yes, its been a very long time since I have posted anything. And it all boils down to the "purposefulness of idea". I have not been able to publish anything because I am not able to find its purpose, its relevance and its place. For me blogging is more about a conversation and nothing more. And I have not been able to put up with it. This is an age of "war of words", where you hardly find any conversations. Instead, we come across opinionated arguments about right and wrong. I fail to see the significance of being right and wrong and having an opinion at all. Simply because, it doesn't matter. My opinion about this world is not going to change anything, unless I do something about it. An idea is like a pending task waiting to be assigned to someone who is responsible enough to execute it. Hence the purposefulness of an idea is realised when someone decides to do something about it. Most of us are possessive about our ideas, a result of our false assumpt